I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Not many of you will know this story, but on August 26th 2017 Storm and I lost our first baby. It was a day wrapped in so many emotions. This day was the day that we found out that I was pregnant and that we had lost our baby. We went to the emergency room somehow clinging on to hope that what we saw could have been something else other than a loss of the pregnancy and that the doctors would tell us that everything was fine and we still had our baby. After a long day in the ER filled with blood tests, exams and ultrasounds we received the words we ultimately knew we would hear…”miscarriage.” Reality struck and our hearts broke.
On October 13th 2018 just a couple of short weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. I had been having some pretty intense nausea for the past week and just knew something was different. I took a pregnancy test and came out into the kitchen where my husband and sister were holding this positive pregnancy test and crying as I told them the news. Words can’t begin to describe the joy that we were feeling in these moments. I knew that from our loss last year that I wanted our immediate family to know about the pregnancy immediately. Any woman who has gone through a pregnancy loss knows the worry, fear and anxiety that takes over when there should be nothing but excitement. I knew I needed to get my first ultrasound appointment scheduled so I called within the next couple days but wasn’t able to get an appointment until October 29th. I knew the wait would be tough between the fear and excitement but we started to take it a day at a time. The first few mornings after we had found out that I was pregnant I had this epiphany that every single moment that I have knowing that I am pregnant is one more moment of joy that I didn’t get to experience a year ago. I began to count each day as a blessing and scoot my fears aside. That was short lived and after about a week the anxiety crept in. We knew we needed to trust God but it’s always easier said than done. On Monday October 22nd I just didn’t feel “right”. I had an extremely emotional day and I told my husband that things just felt “off”. Again, we tried to brush these feelings aside as we thought they were most likely a result of our past experiences.
Thursday October 25th came around and after just a few short hour at work I was bleeding and rushing myself to the nearest emergency room. Storm met me there and we sat there waiting, praying and crying. My mom was texting me the entire time and praying along with the rest of the family and she had asked me to send her my prayer which read, “Dear God, I just pray that you protect this baby and just heal whatever it is that is going on. I know that You are in control and I just pray for peace, understanding and comfort.” A blood test and an ultrasound were done and then finally a doctor walked in to tell us the results…”You have what is called a Molar Pregnancy, there is no fetus.” I couldn’t believe what I had just heard…Our hearts broke as we heard the news and as we learned that not only was this a loss of our pregnancy but it is a start of a long journey with my health as well.
Molar Pregnancy is defined as a noncancerous tumor that develops in the uterus as a result of a nonviable pregnancy. This is rare occurring in 1 out of 1,000 pregnancies. Instead of a baby growing, a mass of cells form grape like clusters from the placenta. With molar pregnancies HCG levels are much higher than with a regular pregnancy which can cause pregnancy symptoms to feel more intense. The emergency room OBGYN then explained that a D&C (dilation and curettage) would need to be done to remove it. After about nine hours in the emergency room, Storm and I were able to head home. Nine hours before we had thought that we were going to be parents next spring but now we are grieving and being prepared for the next six months of my physical healing. We are now waiting for the pathology results to come back and praying that it is benign and from there my levels will have to be monitored closely to make sure that they make it down to zero and do not go back up. Sometimes if levels go up it means it could be growing or spreading. In some cases another D&C is needed and in others I have read that chemotherapy is used to lower them.
On Monday October 29, 2018 what should have been my first ultrasound appointment has turned into my first follow up, where I will have my blood drawn and we will discuss the road to recovery.
We had so much hope and excitement for the past two weeks. I bought a baby journal and my family bought me a pregnancy book to read. We talked about names and were planning so many things that we wanted to do for this baby.
I’ve gone from having very recognizable pregnancy symptoms to none in less than a day and I have just felt frozen from shock. Some moments are okay and then I find myself crying and a mess again. Healing is a long journey and we are doing our best to keep God at the center of it all. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
God has given me an amazing family for love and support and my husband has definitely been my rock. I’m extremely blessed.
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